Wow ... Just wow!

As if it weren't enough that I lost a 'friend' a couple days ago, it seems now that my younger sister decided to join the fray.  Given that most of what I know about Mental illness comes from her suffering it, I was hoping for a little bit more understanding.  It just goes to show that even those with the illness can judge.

This is how I've been left feeling.  I've run through a whole gamut of emotions today and over the past few days, and it feels like there should be one of these signs ahead of me.

God help me get through the next few days.  I feel sick already!

I really should be upset BUT ...

I'm not.  I'm just angry that someone I considered a good friend has shown her true colours, and shown herself to be what she is - two faced.  Ahh well, one down and a tonne more to go at some point I guess.

Words DO hurt!

I've gradually come out more and more about my illness on Facebook.  It's an ideal platform for me, because I have the settings locked down tighter than a Spider's anus.  This means that only people that I trust fully get to see the full contents of my Facebook account.  In other words, if you don't see these posts via Facebook, you're shit outta luck lol.

Anyway, moving swiftly on, on my trusty Facebook friends list is a lady that I greatly admire.  She has 2 gorgeous kids, and got married just recently to a man with a great job, though it does appear that he flies a lot for various meetings and seminars and so on.  At the moment, they're on Vacation.

Anxiety and Suicidal Ideation/attempts.

I realize that in my last post I stated that I would go through the list of symptoms I suffer from, and how they manifest themselves in me.  However, today has been a tough day, and once again,I'm struggling with thoughts of suicide.

There are a number of things that can set me off,and one of the biggest, most regular things, is every second Monday night, wondering whether my pay will be in my bank account in the morning, and what we'll do if it isn't.  Today is that day, but as well as that, I came across my ex-husband's Twitter account when I reopened my account, only to find out that almost two years since I left Canada, he is telling his 'friends' (they've never met, they're Twitter friends), that I was a psychopath, and that his nine year relationship with me was hell.  This coming from the male who refused to let me speak for myself at a GP's visit, (I was misdiagnosed as a result), and controlled me in every way possible, knocked me lower than low.

Depression Checklist.

As much as you think you'd know if you suffer from depression, it's not always that easy.  There are a number of disorders/illnesses that can mask the symptoms, or in fact, appear as depression when it's something else entirely.

It's normal to feel some of the following symptoms from time to time, but if you experience several or more for more than two or three weeks, this may be indicative of Depression or another depressive illness.  Remember, you must seek a professional for an accurate diagnosis of depression.

Please note:   Other illnesses and certain medications can cause symptoms that mimic the symptoms of depression. A complete medical examination should be performed to rule out the presence of other medical conditions potentially causing depressive symptoms.

9 things everyone should try to understand about Anxiety.

Of course, when I tell friends and family that I suffer with two major anxiety disorders, and depression, they want to help.  But how can they when they don't understand the disorders themselves.  My mother in particular says that she has depression, and that it simply makes her sad and want to go to bed for an hour.  Man oh man, if only it really were that simple!

Then there are those unfeeling idiots who tell you to just 'snap out of it'.  I'm sorry, do you think if we could do that, that we wouldn't have done it already?  I mean, nobody wants to suffer with this! 

 So, after scouring the internet, (like you do), I've found a couple of articles that really put what I want to say in the nicest terms, or at least, the most honest terms.

• Anxiety does not travel in a straight line.

Update on my anxiety/depression.

I've had some absolutely shocking days since I last posted.  My dose of Paroxetine had been doubled, which in turn, led to a sharp upswing in the suicidal thoughts I'd been suffering from.  I ended up in A&E for a second time after another overdose attempt ... This time, it was planned, though I tried to rationalize things in my own mind, by saying things like 'Well, I'm only hiding these pills now while Drew is out the house because it's convenient for me' even though I knew damn well that if he'd seen me with them, he would have had a shit fit with me. I also hid them in the bathroom, so I could just grab a drink from the tap, without having to look strange carrying a glass of water into the bathroom with me, as opposed to saying 'just heading to the loo hon' like I normally do.

A change of Meds (again) landed me in A&E.

A couple of weeks ago, I had an appointment to see my GP .  The sertraline had stopped working, and I wasn't sleeping again. So, rather than put me on two different medications, the GP decided to take me off the high dose of Sertraline, and put me on a low dose 20mgs of Paroxetine, with an appointment to follow in 3 weeks time, just before Xmas to see how I was adjusting.

Not a good time, as well as having more and more anxiety attacks, I was plagued by thoughts of killing myself and just finishing it.  In my head it was perfectly rational thoughts such as 'Well, if I'm not here anymore, I don't have to keep going through this.  I don't have to keep making my family and loved ones miserable because I can't control my emotions, and if I'm not here anymore, they don't have to deal with me. Simple' .  Except, we all know it's not.  I reported these thoughts to my GP at my follow-up appointment, and he doubled my dose of Paroxetine.  I also admitted to him that I'd been self medicating with my fiance's Clonazepam to help me sleep, and so he gave me up to 10 days worth of 2mg Clonazepam pills, with instructions to take no more than 3 a day. And yet another follow-up appointment.

My Diagnosis and the realization of what it meant

Back in October of 2013, having just recovered from having my Gallbladder removed, I found over a period of weeks that I was finding it more and more difficult to sleep.  I'd wake up in the middle of the night, shaking uncontrollably, with my heart pounding.  It was as though I was waking up from a nightmare, though I was pretty certain no nightmare had taken place.  Needless to say, I found it odd.

It was when these episodes of shaking and heart pounding began to happen in the daytime too, that I first realized that there was a problem.  It was about that time that I realized that I just had no interest in anything that I used to find enjoyment in - in fact, no interest in anything, period.  I would have bouts of crying, my palms would sweat, my heart would pound and my body would shake uncontrollably.  After a discussion with my GP, I was diagnosed with depression and given a prescription for Citalopram.