My Diagnosis and the realization of what it meant

Back in October of 2013, having just recovered from having my Gallbladder removed, I found over a period of weeks that I was finding it more and more difficult to sleep.  I'd wake up in the middle of the night, shaking uncontrollably, with my heart pounding.  It was as though I was waking up from a nightmare, though I was pretty certain no nightmare had taken place.  Needless to say, I found it odd.

It was when these episodes of shaking and heart pounding began to happen in the daytime too, that I first realized that there was a problem.  It was about that time that I realized that I just had no interest in anything that I used to find enjoyment in - in fact, no interest in anything, period.  I would have bouts of crying, my palms would sweat, my heart would pound and my body would shake uncontrollably.  After a discussion with my GP, I was diagnosed with depression and given a prescription for Citalopram.


A few days later, I woke, and couldn't even get out of bed. I spent the entire day in bed alternating between crying and shaking, with my heart pounding and everything in between, it just didn't stop.  Nothing my fiance did helped, and so he finally called the NHS helpline, who managed to get me an emergency appointment with my GP (different to the one I'd seen a few days prior.) Still shaking and crying, I was called into his office, where my fiance told him everything that I'd gone through that day, and I finally got a diagnosis.  Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression, along with a prescription for Valium, to keep the acute symptoms under control until the Citalopram had a chance to do it's job.  As I weaned off the Valium, and the Citalopram began it's job, I started to feel better.

But then, other weird symptoms began to show up. I couldn't go out anywhere alone. If I did, I had an anxiety attack.  I couldn't answer the phone if I didn't know who was calling, I still can't, and I couldn't bring myself to open mail (brown envelope syndrome).  Eight months after my GAD diagnosis, I was also diagnosed with Social Anxiety syndrome.  My meds were changed from Citalopram to Mirtazapine in the hopes that I would be able to sleep.  I did, too well.  So, over the course of a few months, we experimented, and finally, settled on 100mg of Sertraline.  Whilst they didn't directly help me sleep, they worked wonderfully well with my symptoms, and for the first time in ages, I slept.

I've had a lot of issues coming to terms with this diagnosis, well, not the diagnosis, but the problems themselves.  My entire life as I knew it had changed.  Even now, I can't go out alone, and I can't answer the phone, though I can now open mail.  My fiance and I have access to a fantastic Citizens Advice Bureau caseworker and she has done a LOT of work for us and helped us immensely. Without her, we would have given up months ago.  I can hear a lot of you thinking 'Well, why can't your fiance do what you can't?'

Well see, he has GAD and Depression too.