Update on my anxiety/depression.

I've had some absolutely shocking days since I last posted.  My dose of Paroxetine had been doubled, which in turn, led to a sharp upswing in the suicidal thoughts I'd been suffering from.  I ended up in A&E for a second time after another overdose attempt ... This time, it was planned, though I tried to rationalize things in my own mind, by saying things like 'Well, I'm only hiding these pills now while Drew is out the house because it's convenient for me' even though I knew damn well that if he'd seen me with them, he would have had a shit fit with me. I also hid them in the bathroom, so I could just grab a drink from the tap, without having to look strange carrying a glass of water into the bathroom with me, as opposed to saying 'just heading to the loo hon' like I normally do.
Once again, in A&E I was offered the mental health crisis team, and once again, I declined.  I figured that once I'd seen my regular GP and was taken off the Paroxetine, everything would be fine.  Wrong.  My regular GP has now classed me as officially high risk.  I'm off the Paroxetine, and back onto Citalopram, along with Clonazepam to help my sleep issues, I'm only allowed one week prescriptions, with me having to call the surgery every week for a Clonazepam script (the Citalopram is a repeat script, but still only a week at a time), my fiance Drew has been told to keep an eye on his own medication, because I have a habit of stealing his meds when I OD, and my GP has also referred me to a Psychiatrist, to be seen as soon as possible, so I am expecting a letter within the next week or so.

Will all of this help?  Right now, I doubt it.  The thought of having to go to a Psychiatrist fills me with dread, and I don't want to tell anyone, in case they think I'm an absolute nutcase, which I suppose to their 'rational' thinking, I must be.  Most people seem to think that you only need to see a Psychiatrist if you're hearing voices in your head, and I can safely say that the only voice in my head (so far!) is totally just my own.  And although I've only been on the Citalopram for 2 days, I'm still suffering suicidal thoughts.  I know I have to give the Citalopram time to kick in, but my worry is that I won't be able to hold back on OD'ing, if the impulse becomes that strong again that I go ahead and OD without even thinking about it.

The only time I relax currently is when I've taken my Clonazepam in the evening.  They're only 2mg pills, but they really do help me to relax and wind down before going to bed.  Heck, some nights, I even manage a smile (or two on a really good night!)  My biggest fear is that there's no end in sight.  I was told by my GP that I'll never work again.  This is apparently a lifelong condition, and the only thing they can do is try and control it with meds.  I'm 36, it's not exactly what I wanted to hear.